Paul Ewen, London Pub Reviews (Shoes With Rockets, 2007)"London Pub Reviews is a collection of forty four fictional reviews of London Pubs. The stories themselves are written like pub reviews, and are all set within real London pubs. However, due to the very odd behaviour of the reviewer, each review ends in a slightly disastrous way."
"London Pub Reviews is a work of comic genius - this is essential reading for anybody who enjoys going to the pub. You, for example." - Dan Rhodes
"Paul Ewen is the funniest new writer I have read in years. Join him on his one man Campaign for Surreal Ale." - Toby Litt
"A surrealist's dream, a landlord's nightmare!" - Steven Hall
"Paul Ewen has given voice to that perennial figure who haunts the margins of all our lives: the pub weirdo." - Tom McCarthy
"An astonishingly workaday title for a book that features a singing otter, flying dinosaurs and a sheet of electronic tissue paper. Welcome to the madcap world of Paul Ewen, a softly spoken New Zealander with a knack of finding trouble in public houses. It’s a world not unlike that of Michael Hodges, only with less vitriol and more adjectives.
The just-published paperback collects together 44 ripping yarns, each set in one of London’s famous bars. Paul staggers from pratfall to misadventure, in what Toby Litt describes as a Campaign for Surreal Ale.
There’s very little ‘reviewing’ going on here. The book would be more accurately titled ‘Almost 50 ways to get thrown out of a pub’. Typical tales end with a trip to the casualty department, or the intervention of Her Majesty’s Constabulary.
So we follow his efforts to drink 19 pints in 10 minutes in the Pembroke Castle, travel back in time inside the Sun Tavern, and communicate entirely by handwritten notes in the Blackbird, Earl’s Court (which only a Kiwi could file under ‘Central London’).
The transition from pub-lashed to published was helped by the remarkable illustrations of David Le Fleming. His unique style establishes a whole new school of art that will come to be known as ‘drunken toddler with eyeliner pencil‘. The incoherent scrawl fits perfectly in this terrific book that’s best read inebriated.
One question remains: how, in the devil’s wine cellar, is it possible to write a chapter on The Albert, Victoria Street without mentioning the ejaculating penises etched upon the windows?" - londonist.com
"Dunno why, but I’ve been doing one or two pub reviews on here recently, so I thought it was about time I sang the praises of this book.
For a while I’ve been wanting to have a go at doing pub reviews a little differently, trying to evoke the atmosphere and character rather than rigidly evaluating the food and drink selection. After all, ‘atmosphere’ and ‘my kind of place’ are, in survey after survey, the main reasons people give for choosing a particular pub. Paul Ewen, author of the deceptively dull-sounding London Pub Reviews has beaten me to any notion I might have had about reinventing the pub review. If the dull, plodding, workmanlike-yet-practical Good Beer Guide exists at one end of a scale, Ewen, a Kiwi living in London, has pegged out the other extreme.
According to the blurb, ‘although wanting to follow the Kiwi tradition of working in English pubs, he was thwarted by a complete and utter lack of social skills, forcing him to write about them instead’.
And how he writes about them.
His warped vision often nails a pub’s character completely: the Dublin Castle in Camden reminds him of the alien bar in Star Wars, an observation affirmed by “the pierced faces, weird clothes and outrageous hair styles of the Camden locals”.
Each review ends with him being forcibly ejected from the pub. In the Holly Bush in Hampstead, this is precipitated by Liam Gallagher walking in, inspiring our hero to climb on the table and shout “I’M ON STAGE, I’M ON STAGE, I’M ON STAGE NOW!”
In the Jeremy Bentham, a university pub, he approaches the blackboard advertising the day’s specials and begins an impromptu lecture, attempting to keep order by yelling and hurling beer glasses to the floor.
For the first few reviews, you’re wondering if this man, Dom Joly-style, really did go to these pubs and do these things. He was in there, as his descriptions attest, and he does enjoy his real ale. (And the Bentham piece was originally commissioned for The Times Higher Education Supplement by my mate Steve Farrar. When Paul sent Steve the invoice, it included the itemised cost for the smashed glasses.)
But as the book progresses, we take off through the beer glass and into a world that Alice would recognise if she had been a Camden bag lady on a Tennents Superdiet.
In Effra at Brixton, the bar person is working the pumps “like a submarine engine room attendant, darting here and there pulling levers and plugging holes.” Paul’s small round table is “shedding its varnish like skin”, and a sign advertising the daily special – Jerk Chicken – reminds him how often he was called “jerk”, “chicken” and indeed “special” during his formative years.
In the Prince of Wales on Clapham Common, “My table was covered by a strange, grey, cocoon-like coating, as if it were soon to emerge as a more beautiful pub table.”
At the Half Moon in Herne Hill, the flowery pattern on the carpet comes to life, unties his shoelaces and empties out the contents of his satchel (yes, he carries a satchel).
A secret passage at the Eagle in Battersea Park Road leads him to the secret underground lake where custard comes from.
By the time we get to the King’s Head in Tooting, he’s carrying his disembodied head under one arm, which hampers somewhat his attempts to catch the rabbits that infest the pool table, mocking him from the pockets.
All this, and he still makes you want to visit the pubs in question.
The review on the cover, written by Toby Litt (another of my favourite writers) says it all in one brilliant sentence: Ewen has created the ‘Campaign for Surreal Ale’.
Marvellous. Buy this book. Make an unhinged Kiwi bastard happy. He deserves it." - Pete Brown
"I went out the other night! It was fun. I went to a book launch, because that’s what sophisticated, literary people like me do.
The launch was for Paul Ewen’s London Pub Reviews. I won’t give an account of the event, because it will make you jealous of my fun.
But the book. It’s terrific, of course: If you haven’t encountered Paul and his reviews before, you can read a few at the website linked above. They’re shortish pieces, a few pages long, in which the narrator-reviewer goes to a real London pub, and then imagination and reality get into a muddle and narrator is ejected, arrested or assaulted. They’re deadpan pieces, plain-voiced with nice little flourishes, very odd and very funny.
I’ll expand, if you don’t mind. I really like the fact that there’s a neat, repeated form there; also that the tone is strong and clear. If you’d described it to me without my having read it, I would have been intrigued, but worried that it might fall into that pseudo-surrealism that taints a lot of writing, particularly stuff that’s circulated on the web. The style and form prevent that. I also like that the reviews really are grounded in the pubs; so, if you know The Champion, you’ll recognise the stained-glass representations of Victorian sportsmen. Also that the acuracy is a jumping-off point for the strangeness; so, in the Champion, Paul turns to glass, and gives a precise description of his new state. It appeals to my imagination too: it’s full of time-slips, living figures in pictures, lots of great fun stuff like that.
Haha I just thought up this sentence: ‘the important thing is that it’s funny; however, the funny thing is that it might be important.’ It makes me want to punch myself; however, if you scrub the euphuistic chiasmus, it’s not too far from the mark.
It’s published by ‘Shoes with Rockets’, which is essentially Paul: he had offers from houses I like a lot, but decided to keep control. The book looks terrific: good cover, nicely designed page, well-set and accurate. We’re very, very far from old-school self-publishing here (and, from what I recall, the bulk of Athena Press books don’t feature blurbs from Toby Litt, Tom McCarthy, Dan Rhodes and Steven Hall.)
There’s a lot of this coming up this year: interesting, good-looking books coming out from one-man (or woman) operations. Some are self-publishing, others aren’t. Social Disease is the most obvious example coming out of web world, but there are other things brewing. Small presses have been around forever, yes, but this I think is something new: costs are down, design tools are more easily available, and, if still hard work, it’s all a bit more possible. This is the interesting story at the moment: papers should be paying attention to that, rather than saying ‘omigod the offbeat brutalists use teh myspace!’.
I’d guess this one of the big themes over the next year or two; interesting writing – and writing that’s made for the page, that isn’t designed to be read on a screen – getting into print thanks to publication bars being lowered by the spread of design technology and short-run printing. Plus there’s a developing community around this - but I’ll get my crayons out and draw a map of this world on another day.
Maybe it’s just a last hurrah for the medium. But there are people thinking more carefully about the future of the book than me.
In summary: London Pub Reviews is very good." - themidnightbell.com
"I was rolling around Broadway Market the other day when I finally decided to step into Broadway Bookshop but I picked up a copy of Paul Ewen’s London Pub Reviews and ZOMG it’s SO AWESOME. Imagine Hunter S Thompson being sent out on assignment for Time Out reviewing the capital’s boozers. Imagine Jorge Louis Borges writing for beerintheevening.com. Imagine some lunatic trying to flood Bradley’s because he thinks it would make an awesome swimming pool. Or a dude trying to drive a piano out of the Golden Heart and cruise round Shoreditch. To be honest I couldn’t possibly do him justice so here is an excerpt from a review of the Jeremy Bentham and then following a little interview I did with Paul.
I was clutching my last full pint of ale as I strode purposefully across to the "Today's choices" blackboard. After placing my glass on the mantelpiece beneath it, I proceeded to wipe the entire menu off with my sleeve. Turning to face the bar, I clapped loudly for attention. Then seizing a stump of chalk I wrote in capital letters: LESSON ONE.
Blank, uncomprehending faces stared back at me, and when a cheeky fellow continued talking aloud, I pointed my finger at him and shouted "HAH!"
Announcing the title of my lecture as "A study of knee and nose tissue fibres", I was met with a barrage of open scoffs and sniggers. Despite my stern tone, I realised there were clearly some problem elements I would need to contend with.
Wiping chalk dust off my ear, I pressed the upper rim of some non-existent spectacles into the base of my forehead. "HEADS, SHOULDERS, KNEES AND NOSE, KNEES AND NOSE," I began. Great booming laughter erupted throughout the bar, and I felt my cheeks redden and the back of my neck boil with sweat.
"SILENCE!" I screamed, throwing my pint of ale to the floor with an almighty crash. "SIT DOWN!"
A deathly quiet descended and satisfied that a sense of order had been recaptured, I cleared my throat to continue. But my lesson was again interrupted when members of the bar staff began approaching the front of the class without permission.
Later, seated on a wooden bench outside the Jeremy Bentham pub, I proceeded to write "FAIL, FAIL, FAIL" on the backs of random beer mats I had grasped on the point of my sudden departure.
When did you move from NZ? Why? How was it when you got here?
- I left NZ in 1996, but I spent six years living and working in Asia before arriving in London at the start of 2002. A huge number of New Zealanders travel because we feel rather isolated at the other end of the world and we want to see what's out there. My father is English, so I had a greater draw to the UK than most. London is a fantastic city if you're willing to embrace it. A great way to discover it is through its pubs.
Is there a pub culture in NZ? If so, is it much like ours?
- The best pubs in New Zealand are lovely old wooden hotel pubs. Like in the UK, they are disappearing as developers move in, rubbing their greedy hands. Sport is a huge part of NZ society, and pubs play a big part in that. But I think NZers also tend to visit friends' houses much more than in the UK, either to watch sport or to drink and have BBQ's. Maybe I'm just not invited to many English houses because I'm an oddball.
Do you smoke? Do you hate the smoking ban?
- I definitely miss smoky English pubs. Especially against the stained glass window backdrop of The Champion in Fitzrovia. I fear that drinkers will be targeted next in the public health crusade.
What prompted you to start writing?
- I write best in public places, like pubs, in tube trains, airports etc. I can be in a heaving pub and write loads, as long as I have a seat. There's something about surrounding bustle that I like when I write. Sitting at a table in a quiet room I find much more difficult. The pub reviews came easily this way, and I am writing a novel at the moment, which is mainly being scripted in pubs and on tube trains also.
Do you have a favourite tube line? If so why?
- I travel most often on the Victoria Line, but I like the District & Circle line because it's a bit old and wonky, and one minute you're in a tunnel and the next moment you're out, like some dodgy ride on Brighton Pier. And the DLR has a rollercoaster feel to it when you go out around Canary Wharf. I sometimes think I'm going to die on the DLR, so that makes it quite interesting.
Your stories remind me of David Sedaris and Hunter S Thompson - are you into those guys? Do you have any literary heroes?
- I very much like the work of Barry Yourgrau, a contemporary American writer. He was put onto me by English author Dan Rhodes, who I think is great too. I used to read a lot of Janet Frame, a NZ author, whose work, although very different from mine, I love. And my father writes, and my mother reads heaps, so they have been great influences.
Do you get pissed when you write the stories?
- All the stories in London Pub Reviews were written in the pubs in question, and I left some of them rather worse for wear. There are times when drinking can help my writing, and other times when it spoils it. I think it is a matter of being in the right mood either way.
So did you self publish the book? Was it hard?
- London Pub Reviews is self-published. Two of the stories were originally published in the British Council's New Writing 13 anthology, edited by Toby Litt and Ali Smith, and I got some great press from that so I thought I'd try and put a collection together. Apart from stumping up the cash, the biggest problem initially was distribution. But thankfully, I was very well supported by the independent shops, and the bigger chain shops took it on soon after.
The reviews always end with you being escorted from the premises - have you been chucked out of many pubs in real life?
- I do get asked to leave a fair few pubs, but usually only at closing time. That's when I start running around the pub shouting, You can't catch me!
What are your favourite pubs in London?
- My favourite pubs in London are the ones that have an appreciation of their history & features and haven't been in a rush to modernise. The Samuel Smiths brewery is very good in this regard: they have helped preserve some of London's oldest, most beautifully decorated pubs, such as The Princess Louise in Holborn and Ye Olde Cheshire Cheese in Fleet Street. The Champion and The Fitzroy in Fitzrovia are good Sam Smiths pubs too. I have a preference for 'old man pubs' because old gents (and old dames) don't tend to yabber loudly about ridiculous nonsense, and they have good manners at the bar.
Have you ever hung out in a Wetherspoons before 12pm?
- Of course. But sometimes I wait for bingo to kick off. JD Wetherspoon pubs are slightly similar to Samuel Smiths, in that their drinks are very affordable, their pubs are quiet and full of pleasant old timers, and they have saved some amazing old buildings (such as cinemas, theatres and banks), tastefully converting them into pubs that can be appreciated by all." - Interview with Charles O at www.tipped.co.uk
